


Gagging

by willows_shame



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Cracked Gems, Gag Order, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:54:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26425210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/willows_shame/pseuds/willows_shame
Summary: You can't take it anymore. It's not the truth, you try to say, but you only get the first word out before your hands both snap over the rest, more forcefully than ever before because this is outright defiance. "P?" Amethyst says, but you barely hear her, your eyes squeezed shut, your mouth and mind and the chest of this manifested body all fighting your hands and your gem. You can't stop fighting - you've never stopped fighting -What if Pearl tried to break the gag order before Gemcation and A Single Pale Rose? Takes place post-S3E25, Bubbled.
Comments: 9
Kudos: 59





	Gagging

**Author's Note:**

> hi! this is my first thing on here so i'm a bit nervous :) feel free to give critique, but try to be kind.
> 
> note: i didn't put self-harm in the tags even though i guess some of this content could be called self-harm. pearl does cause her own cracked gem, but it's not for the sake of the pain, it's in spite of it. if anyone finds this piece triggering or thinks i should add to the tags/change the rating or anything please let me know; as i said this is my first work and i don't really know how to gauge my own stuff.
> 
> disclaimer: i do not own any of the characters or places depicted in this work. it's all rebecca sugar and the other steven universe peeps. some of the dialogue from the very beginning is lifted directly from Steven Universe Season 3 Episode 25, Bubbled, at the end of the episode when they're all back in the spaceship and steven asks about his mom.
> 
> happy reading!  
> \- willows_shame

You’ve been en route to Earth for a while now - enough time for everyone to calm down - when Steven finally speaks up. “How come no one told me about Pink Diamond?”

Of course he asks. Why wouldn’t he? He only learned about the diamonds recently, has only recently started to wonder if maybe the world isn’t so perfect. You’re grateful when Garnet responds, because here, with just the four of you, your hand covering your mouth, fighting your words, would be so much more noticeable.

You want to tell them so badly.

"But did Mom really do it?" Steven's asking, and you tell yourself you aren't going to say anything, you convince your mind and your gem and this stars-damned order that there's no need to gag you. "Did she really - shatter her?"

_No,_ you want to say. _She_ was _her._ But you don't. You can't.

You fight the tears as you continue the flight back to Earth.. You fight the pain in your chest that you hadn't known a gem could feel until Steven, because what does he think of his mother now? This is hurting him - is going to keep hurting him - if only you could _tell him_!

Greg hadn't known about the impromptu journey into space, so it's almost normal, tucking Steven into bed. Except...you haven't _really_ tucked him in in a while, and it's been years since all three of you have gathered around his bed, kissing his forehead one by one. He doesn't mind, tonight, when you stay until he falls asleep.

When his breathing has evened out, Garnet is the first to rise, and you and Amethyst are quick to follow. You creep down the steps, and when Garnet calls the door to open the burning room, she nods for you to enter with her.

You want to tell them.

You want to tell them.

You can feel the pressure of your gem, feel the way your hand wants to creep up to cover your mouth even at the mere _thought_ of disobedience, as Amethyst throws her arms around Garnet and squeezes. "Is Steven gonna be okay?" she whispers into your leader's stomach.

"I don't know," Garnet says, and _you want to tell them_ , how does she not know, it's your fault, it's your fault - "He saw Rose Quartz as perfect in every way." She glances up at a nearby pink bubble, and you don't need to follow her gaze to know who she's watching. "He poofed Bismuth because he believes shattering gems is wrong, because he believed that is what his mother believed. Now that he knows the truth..."

You can't take it anymore. _It's not the truth,_ you try to say, but you only get the first word out before your hands both snap over the rest, more forcefully than ever before because this is outright defiance. "P?" Amethyst says, but you barely hear her, your eyes squeezed shut, your mouth and mind and the chest of this manifested body all fighting your hands and your gem. You can't stop fighting - you've never stopped fighting - they need to know, they need to know it's not the truth, they need to know you've only been free for fourteen years and you didn't even know you were still enslaved but the more little things you do the more you recognize that you could never _really_ say no to her. They need to know. They need to know that she _didn't_ shatter Pink Diamond, _she was Pink Diamond_ , Steven has that gem in his body and it's all so much more complicated than they believe, they need to know, _they need to know_ , you need to keep them safe and if Homeworld knows about you then they need to know the truth or you'll never be safe, you'll never be free, _Please,_ you plead silently, _Rose, Pink, my diamond, wherever you are, please -_

You hurt.

There's so much force, now, in this form that shouldn't feel pain because it's just light. You're pushing too hard, you - your head hurts - your gem hurts - 

There are rough hands on your shoulders, and your eyes fly open, and Amethyst is looking up at you and she's _scared_ , and _she needs to know the truth_ \- "Pearl!" she cries. There are tears in her eyes, and you pull uselessly at one hand with the other. You can't stop fighting. You can't. "Stop! You're hurting yourself!"

There's a moment of weightlessness, of nothingness, and then you come back into yourself on the floor of the temple, in Amethyst's lap, gasping for air you don't need. Oh, you think. You just glitched. You must have cracked your gem. Your hands aren't over your mouth anymore; they must have twitched away. But they need to know. So you open your mouth but this time your hands are there before you can even make a sound, and the pain hasn't gone away and it's getting worse, and then there are hands on your forearms, a cool gem and a warm one pressing against your skin, and Garnet is ordering, "Stop, Pearl."

And you do.

You don't know if it's pain that makes you start crying, or the knowledge of your failure. The knowledge that yet again, no matter what, you're just a pearl. You obey orders, you're trapped in this limbo of the unknown, you can't give your family this information that they _need_ to know. It's been thousands of years. This isn't the first time you've tried, really. But it's the first time you've cracked yourself trying.

Steven really has changed everything.

Garnet is gently picking you up now, cradling your body in her arms, and you cling to her with glitching fingers and cry. You feel the air change and know you've left the temple, know you must be heading towards the warp pad so Garnet can bring you to Rose's fountain. _Rose._ At first, it had all seemed perfect. No one would ever know - no one needed to know.

They need to know now.

You almost try yet again, but give up, because you can't beat your nature. Not like this. And you're so, so tired.

"Stay here, Amethyst," you hear Garnet whisper. "Stay with Steven."

"But - "

"Stay here."

There's no response after that, and then you're in the coolness of the warp for what feels like an eternity, and then you can _smell_ it. After all these years, this place has never really changed. You turn your face into Garnet's chest, and her grip on you tightens.

You just barely keep yourself from letting out a whine and clinging to her when she lowers you into the fountain, curling your traitor hands into fists and keeping your eyes closed as you sink into the water and feel the crack in your pearl closing up almost instantly. It's funny, you think, that the fountain should heal a hurt caused by a direct disobedience to its maker. You'd half expected some sort of resistance, a slower healing process, a punishment.

You stay under the water for a time that feels endless. Eventually, you open your eyes, and through ripples, you can see the pinpricks of far off stars - with the interference of liquid you don't know which spark of light is Homeworld, or if this is even the right part of the sky, and you don't care. You catch a glimmer of red-purple and dark blue, and let a sigh bubble between your lips. The glimmer shifts, and you push yourself off the bottom of the fountain and swim up.

Garnet's seated on the edge of the fountain, her legs moving gently back and forth through the water, her visor pointed up. She doesn't say anything as you pull yourself up to sit beside her, and you join her in watching the stars. Turns out you can't see Homeworld from this part of the world, this time of the year.

The stars have moved in the sky by the time Garnet says quietly, "It's a gag order, isn't it?"

You wonder how she knows, for a moment, forgetting that of course Sapphire, a high-ranking gem before she met Ruby, would know what a gag order looks like. You nod.

"How much can you tell me about it?"

"Not much."

"Who gave it to you?"

Your hand snaps up, and you glare at the sky, the order not even letting your gaze turn towards the statue of Rose in the center of the fountain.

Garnet sighs. "When?"

You struggle for just a moment, searching, and finally your hand relaxes and allows you to say, "During the war."

She frowns. "Why?"

Your words are slow. No one has ever known before; you've never had a reason to find loopholes and discover how much you can say aloud. "She - believed it was safest."

"And you don't."

You shake your head. "Not anymore."

She leans forward, bracing her elbows on her knees and clasping her hands together in front of her. She's quiet for a time, then sighs softly, and says, "You think we need to know now."

You nod.

"Can you try to tell me as much as you can?"

You nod.

You sit for hours, your words halting, your hands twitching. You get frustrated twice, the second time pushing so hard she has to stop you from re-cracking your gem, her thumb soothing over the smoothness of it with a gentleness that makes you want to start crying again. But no matter how much you manage to say, it's still _just_ vague enough that even Garnet can't understand what you're trying to tell her. As the sky begins to grow light in the east, you slump forward, staring at your hands, wishing they weren't fighting as hard as you are.

Her arm slips around your waist, and pulls you closer. You lean against her warmth, and let out a shaky sigh. "Will I ever find a way to tell you?" you ask.

She pauses, and you know she's searching through maybe thousands of possible futures. You wonder if she can see the secret that way, you know your heart would be pounding if you had one manifested like you used to do to calm Steven when he was younger, and you bite your lip. But...

"I don't know," she says. "I'm sorry."

You close your eyes, and turn your head to press your forehead - your gem - against her. " _I'm_ sorry."

She squeezes you gently. "It's alright," she says. "No matter what it is, it'll be alright. I don't and never will blame you."

But she can't know that, you think. She can't see it. And so it's so, so hard for you to believe her.


End file.
